Day Five

Good morning all!!!

The past couple days, I knew what I was going to write about. But today I am really not sure. Yesterday, I did receive the best blessing. God answered my prayers and my rent is taken care of until we get paid!!! Thank you to everyone involved, you truly are awesome!

I have been getting lots of feedback from friends and family about this blog, and it's really touching to hear. I am so glad that this can help others since that was the reason why I started it. I was writing someone back this morning and it really touched my heart.

There is something I want everyone to know. Marriage is WORK! I am in my second marriage and even in the first one, where we just married for money (BAD idea), it was still work. During the divorce, I thought to myself, "Well, if you actually love the person, it won't be so much work." But actually, I think it's more work because you actually care about what they think and how they will react tho the things you do lol. When I got married for the last time :) I thought it would be so easy, and that it would just all work out overnight. It did, but that is called the, "Honeymoon" stage. We were in that for a good six months. Then came the pregnancy hormones and everything changed. We hadn't learned how to communicate to each other. We were still learning how to make each others coffee!! LOL. My husband and I still fight. We are so happy together and we still love each other so much, but we still fight. It's usually about who changes the poopy diaper, or what to eat for dinner lol, but we still fight. We know that marriage isn't perfect and that we still have to work for each other. But that is the joy of marriage. It is the best way to know how your spouse feels and vice versa.

Sometimes, the fight will get really bad. I have been through that too, MANY times. He almost left me once or twice, but we got through it. I never knew when to keep my mouth shut, and I definitely didn't know that you have to pick your battles. Now that I do, we can fight better lol. Especially with Susie, we needed to learn how to communicate effectively while angry or upset.

I'm not sure if this helps anyone, but I feel like this was what I needed to talk about. He still does things that drive me CRAZY!!! AH!! But I know I can do the same with him.

I hope all of you have a wonderful Tuesday! I might write again later, I feel like there's something else I should write about, but I haven't seen what it is yet lol.

Much Love,
-h

Day Four

I wasn't sure how I would feel waking up today. Friday, I totally expected to be paying my rent and spending time with Susie, and everything would be just fine. Now, I'm waking up and have no plans to pay my rent, and everything "isn't fine." I put that in quotations because if I were the Holli before I knew God, it wouldn't be fine. When I was at church yesterday, I looked into my wallet for the offering and only saw a $5 bill. My husband and I looked at each other, and took it out. Yes, we put our last $5 into the offering. It felt like the right thing to do. I kept playing a song I hear a lot in my head..."My Own Little World" by Matthew West. One line says, "I throw a twenty in the plate but I never gave 'til it hurts." The only thing wrong with that, is it didn't hurt to give that money. I know that God WILL bless me. I don't know how, and I don't know when, but He will. I have to believe it. 

I have been thinking a lot lately about traveling. I was speaking to a close friend of mine last night, and I found out that it wouldn't be impossible to live in another country. I have always wanted to travel but have been scared, or didn't have the finances. We still don't have the money, but it seems pretty easy to figure it out once you have the money. I really think God gave me my husband so I can help the people in his country. If it were up to me, and I had the money, I would pack all my things up and head there with Susie and the hubby now. No regrets. I pray that one day soon, we can go to Honduras just to meet my family. 

Yesterday, there was a bake sale fund raiser at my church. I told one friend that if I had money, I would donate it to the fundraiser. She told me it was on her, and to pick a treat. Now, I am fasting from excess sugar, but that wasn't on my mind. I felt like everyone, (hubby), had forgotten it was mothers day. She was the first person that showed kindness to me and I cried. I cried because I was lost. I was lost in the worries of the World and didn't fully give my burdens to God. I cried because I felt like there was no way out. DUH!!! HELLO HOLLI!!! I know God is here for me!!! I know He died for MY sins!!! Why can't I remember that all the time?!?!?! It seems like a no-brainer, but for some reason, I had forgotten the most important part of His glory!!! Once I broke down, I felt a flood of peace wash over my spirit. It was ok. He was hugging me, holding me, telling me it was ok. I needed a Daddy and he was there for me. I LOVE my God. 

So, instead of being burdened with worry and doubt, I am going to rejoice and celebrate that my God is and AWESOME God and that He is the answer to all my prayers. I pray that all of you can see that He is so good!!! I love you all, and even though it seems like laundry is a burden, when it's done, it's a blessing :) Yep, that's right, I will  be doing laundry ALL DAY!!!

Much Love,

-h

Mother's Day

Happy Mothers Day!!!

I am starting my day with mixed feelings. Talking with my husband last night was good and bad. We were planning on getting a paycheck on Friday so we could pay rent, but that didn't happen. So now, we are faced with a difficult decision. What do we do now? We could sell things, we could sell the title on our car for a loan, or we could just pay REALLY late. None of these options appeal to me.

With this whole rent situation going on, it's hard for me to be happy about Mother's Day. I know that being a mother is rewarding in and of itself, but because the "norm" is flowers, handmade cards, special dinners, or really, anything else having to do with money, it's not really a joyous holiday for me right now. I asked God to show me that money has nothing to do with being a good mother, and that just having a family is reward enough, but now I find myself being double-minded. So this adds to my discouragement. Today is a day where I NEED my Bible. Today is a day where I feel like I NEED my husband to lead my household, but that is just a dream right now. God is working in him so I'm so thankful for that.

Since we didn't get paid, this also means we will be hitting up the local food pantries. I was talking with a friend last night about her child giving food to our food pantry, and I said, "You could've just given it to me, 'cause that's where I'll be this week," lol...it was a joke, but to me, it was a plan...a date saved in my mind. I thank God for the people who listen to His voice and keep these food pantries going because without them, I wouldn't be where I am right now. Everyone asks me, "why don't you just get food stamps?" but we can't. Because my husband is not legal, we can't get anything.

With all that said, God is teaching me to trust him. Trust is one of my biggest issues. But by trusting him, He can do his job. We struggle now so that we can enjoy our blessings. Later, when we have room to move, we will have grown so much. I thank God for my struggles. It stinks when we are going through what we are, but its going to be okay.

Hebrews 12:2 says, "looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."


I hope all of you have a blessed day and again, Happy Mother's Day!

Day Two

At some point in time, I will come up with better names for my posts lol...Today, It will be a little lighter...I went in kinda deep about my marriage yesterday.

So I got this new phone that tells me how many "service days" I have left. It's good so that I don't forget to refill my minutes, but mine reads "1 service day left" and it's a constant reminder that I don't have any money. It's funny, but on the other hand, a little scary too. We have been struggling financially for a while. Yes, I know, the economy is horrible and everybody is struggling, but its been my whole life. I wanted my marriage to be safe (financially) and give my daughter everything she needed. I did, but her things were not wrapped in plastic because they were brand new, they were just in a used Walmart bag given to me from friends. I'm not saying used things are terrible, but I really wanted to be able to have my OWN things if you know what I mean. Sometimes I wish we could go back in time and just grow things and trade them. It worked back in the day...why not now? Money is just paper anyway, right?

I've been thinking a lot lately about my job situation. I've been thinking about how much I don't think about it lol. I know that I "should" be worried, but I'm really not. I've been looking for almost two years and maybe my mindset is what's killing my chances. I still represent myself well, but I really don't expect the company to hire me. It's like I walk in, tell them my work history, what certain words mean to me and then thank them for listening to me ramble, and then go home. I really don't want to work. I'd rather just learn how to extreme coupon and save money that way. I don't think the hubby would like that too much...but a girl can dream.

So today I am going to pray over my house. Susie has been really different lately. I have never done it before, but I really feel the urge to do it. I have her today so I will take her with me. I think it will be a good learning experience. And if I do it wrong, it's all good...I'll just try again.

Yesterday, I went to a retirement ceremony with some friends and it was really nice. It got me thinking about my past and how much my life would be different if I hadn't made the choices I did. The one thing I couldn't get out of my head is "I should have joined the Navy" LOL. It probably wouldn't have changed the whole situation that happened but it's wishful thinking nonetheless. That story is for another day lol.

I know this post is more like a journal entry but thanks for bearing with me while I figure this whole blogging thing out.

Much Love,
-h

Day One

So today is the day that I dig into blogging. I have never done this before, and honestly have never really had the desire to share all my thoughts with people I hardly know. Nevertheless, here I am. I have been fasting with my church's Imperfect Wives Club, and God has put this on my heart. I feel like there are many people I know that honestly don't know a lot about me. I am good at showing off what is positive in my life, but not so good at sharing the negative. so this blog is about my struggles as a wife, mother, Christian, and other everyday things. It's more of a journal right now, but thats ok because it is mine. I do want to thank you before I continue. It is nice to be able to just write and not worry about who is reading and who isn't. It doesn't matter who reads this because I know that my story is meant for someone out there. I will be happy if only one person reads this as long as I know they have gotten the true insight of my life. So thanks for reading....

I guess I should start by explaining a little more about me and my family. I am 22 years old, I have a beautiful daughter, loving family, and amazing husband. I am a member of the Praise Assembly of God church in South Carolina and I LOVE MY CHURCH!!! I never thought I would ever get married again after my first marriage failed. I knew it would fail, but I went along with it anyway to prove a point...bad idea btw...So when I met my husband, I was not looking for anything but a good time. Well, after three months of fun, I found out I was pregnant. So we did things backwards. I was 8 weeks along when we got married. I knew when I married him that I was not going to be rich and it was not all going to be a perfect cookie-cutter dream of a marriage. It was going to be hard and it was going to be worth it. I was not getting married just to see it fall apart again. 

Going back to church with him was the hardest thing. I knew that it was different this time, but I wasn't ready for pregnancy, or marriage to someone after only three months of dating. Plus, he barely knew english...how were we supposed to communicate?? It took a lot of arguments, misunderstandings, and disagreements but we got through the pregnancy. Now, we have a happy, healthy, and stubborn 11 month old lol!

Another challenge in my marriage has to do with my husband. He is an illegal alien. This makes our marriage SO different than any other marriage. Yes, I know he is not deploying anytime, or killing people, and other stuff, but this changes everything. Because of his status, he can't drive, he can't get a steady job, we can't get food stamps or any help from the government, no health insurance, no nothing. Also, because he can only work with other illegals, every time he leaves the house, I don't know if he will come back. Every day, I say goodbye and I don't know if the next time I see him he will be home or in a jail cell. It breaks my heart, but no one will hire me and I can't take another loan out for school. I have no choice. If he were to be caught by police, he would be kept in jail for a couple months, then deported back to Honduras. I cannot live there with him because there is no work there either. 

I continue to pray that each day will get better. That God will show us when the time is right to get his paperwork, and that He will show me how to be a better wife and mother. 

Well, now that I got all the tough stuff out in the open, I think tomorrow it will be easier for me. Thank you for being open to my life, and for understanding that I am NOT perfect...

Much love,

-h